I can't tell you why

Mother in law. I kept saying I thought something was going to come between me and going to Ada, and I'm still not entirely sure it hasn't. We had a tragic death in the family a few days ago, and now I don't really know what is going on. I need to be a supportive wife, and that is my first priority. But as long as he is going to be okay for an evening without me, I really really really really really want to go to Ada. It's not like we're going to sit on the couch and hold hands if I stay home. Most likely, he is not even going to be home. I doubt he'll go back to work yet. Probably he'll spend time with his family and then come home and probably Jeff will come over and they will hang out in the garage. So it won't really matter if I'm home or not.
I haven't brought it up with him because I am afraid of what he'll say. If he needs me to stay home, I will. But I don't want to hurt him by telling him that I still want to go. And I don't want to have to cancel my plans. Believe me, Tim, I want to go. Maybe even moreso now. I'm just afraid I will say something about it, and he'll say, "What? You aren't still going..." I mean, at some point our lives will have to go back to normal. I'm not in a hurry, I'm not trying to rush anything. And it doesn't have to be all at once. But in steps. And this is a step that I desperately want to take. I haven't really changed my day-to-day life all that much anyway. Added in some crying, took away some laughing and some happiness... but I still have to change diapers, give baths, do dishes... and I have to keep a brave face in front of the little guy. He got really upset when I found out and started to cry. He kept saying, "Mommy cryin'." The cashier thought he was just a little kid talking. She didn't know he was right a minute ago.
I cried quite a bit last night. I know I need to let myself cry. I guess. I don't know when the sadness goes away. I guess that's the thing about death. You never really get over it because it never stops being true. Ugh. It's so hard. So hard.
That being said, maybe Ada and seeing old friends will brighten my spirits. Provided I get to go. And I'm going to do my darndest (short of upsetting my husband) to make sure I do.

Getting Ready

It's kind of nice; this is actually a somewhat busy time for me. Of course, we are going to see Rockapella in... is it really only eight days? Holy crap. That's awesome. And then there is Thomas's birthday. Just sent final invitations out today over email. I'm expecting some people will have to decline, since it is a weekday afternoon, but that's really okay. I will be pretty stressed out about it no matter how many people can come.
Thomas started his music and movement class at the library. He doesn't always show that he's enjoying himself while the class is going on, except for a few tiny sideways smiles. Then when he gets home, he wants to talk about it and re-enact parts of it... So I am sure that it is worthwhile. I just wish that he would act like he likes it while we're there. Sounds like his mommy.
I am enjoying the fall weather (now who sounds like whose mother?), even though it's in that weird place where you have to wear a jacket but then you're too hot in the car. So I've been running the air. Oh well.
Argh. This keyboard is driving me crazy. I don't know what Jarrod did to it, but apparently you have to pound the life out of the keys to make them work. Maybe keyboards get used to their owners, the way a car does?
What is it, specifically, that makes fall smell the way it does? I want to bottle it, and open it up during the winter when I get depressed. It might have something to do with the leaves, but I want to know, really know.
Sorry that this is not too eloquent or well-planned, but if I thought at all about what I was writing, it would take me forever then to get this keyboard to type it. Argh. (again.)