I can't tell you why

Mother in law. I kept saying I thought something was going to come between me and going to Ada, and I'm still not entirely sure it hasn't. We had a tragic death in the family a few days ago, and now I don't really know what is going on. I need to be a supportive wife, and that is my first priority. But as long as he is going to be okay for an evening without me, I really really really really really want to go to Ada. It's not like we're going to sit on the couch and hold hands if I stay home. Most likely, he is not even going to be home. I doubt he'll go back to work yet. Probably he'll spend time with his family and then come home and probably Jeff will come over and they will hang out in the garage. So it won't really matter if I'm home or not.
I haven't brought it up with him because I am afraid of what he'll say. If he needs me to stay home, I will. But I don't want to hurt him by telling him that I still want to go. And I don't want to have to cancel my plans. Believe me, Tim, I want to go. Maybe even moreso now. I'm just afraid I will say something about it, and he'll say, "What? You aren't still going..." I mean, at some point our lives will have to go back to normal. I'm not in a hurry, I'm not trying to rush anything. And it doesn't have to be all at once. But in steps. And this is a step that I desperately want to take. I haven't really changed my day-to-day life all that much anyway. Added in some crying, took away some laughing and some happiness... but I still have to change diapers, give baths, do dishes... and I have to keep a brave face in front of the little guy. He got really upset when I found out and started to cry. He kept saying, "Mommy cryin'." The cashier thought he was just a little kid talking. She didn't know he was right a minute ago.
I cried quite a bit last night. I know I need to let myself cry. I guess. I don't know when the sadness goes away. I guess that's the thing about death. You never really get over it because it never stops being true. Ugh. It's so hard. So hard.
That being said, maybe Ada and seeing old friends will brighten my spirits. Provided I get to go. And I'm going to do my darndest (short of upsetting my husband) to make sure I do.